I recently watched a riveting documentary called Seeking Happily Ever After: “One generation’s struggle to redefine the fairytale.” Thirty-something-year-old single women were shadowed and interviewed as they discussed their deviance from the Disney Princess dream of finding a husband early and bearing a mini-van full of children by age 27. The majority of women interviewed were ironically all living in Boston. They were attractive, funny, intelligent and bright. I say that because it does matter. It would have been different if they appeared to be un-marketable, but these women seemed to be amazing catches. I could not help but think of my circle of friends how gorgeous, witty, intelligent and successful they are, and yet all single.
The film brought up a brilliant question: Does every woman really want a husband and a family or is that what we have been programmed to want from our earliest memories? Our mothers’ generation did not have a choice. Now we do. What are we choosing? Any one of those women in the film, or my girlfriends, or myself could be married right now if we wanted to be. All of us have made decisions, whether it be by choosing education or career over certain relationships or not settling for ones that were not completely satisfying, that have led to us being single. We are financially independent and self-sufficient. The “need” for a caregiver has been removed by our own progression as women and by modern technology. However, that is not to say that the women in the film or my friends and me do not want a companion. That is simply not all we want. A husband may or may not be a part of this equation. If he is, that is a gift, but one that is not any more valuable than what life continues to offer in his absence.
My hope in writing this post is that all of those single women reading this will remember that most likely you are single by choice and that choice happens to be the right one (for you). Embrace it for all its worth.
As always, love your insight. However, the choice of ‘caregiver’ may be too paternalistic. Companionship requires a partner, someone who provides support but is not the sole definition of being. Let’s champion the single women, the committed women, all women who embody what our mothers so painstakingly attempted to raise: independent women.
You raise brilliant points! Thank you for reading.
I believe our choices should be made prayerfully and desiring spiritual inspiration. Females are targeted their entire lives by societal messages and media images. This demands discernment and authenticity in our choices. Whether God’s ‘calling’ is single, married or widowed, we should present HONESTY to ourselves. As simple as that sounds, HONESTY alters throughout the lives of women. Our needs, wants and goals evolve and our answers/decisions vary as well! The landscape changes during each decade in a woman’s life (maybe each year)! Would be interesting to see/hear the women you cited as they ascend into their 40′s, 50′s, 60′s.
The entirety of life’s frequent flyer miles cannot be traded in for a smooth ride — whether that ride is accompanied by a husband or not! All lives should be defined by walking hand in hand with our Creator. At least then, when the frog turns into a gross, hairy monster, we will have a reliable source for TRUTH and comfort.
Emily, continue blogging. Your topics are continually thought-provoking!!!
Thank you for reading! I really appreciate the thoughts that you have shared. It WOULD be interesting to hear from women as they ascend into their 40s, 50s, 60s, etc. to see how their needs have changed from when they were in their 30s.
I am now 67 and have lived a marvelously rich and productive life on my own without a husband for all but 12 of those years. Glad to have had a marvelous daughter, though.
I must admit I’ve tried over decades to conform to the “Cinderella” version, but it’s been one crash-and-burn after another — primarily because men had trouble embracing me as a full peer and partner.
I’ve come to truly appreciate the richness and fullness that being one’s own person affords. You’re free. You can go and do as you wish. Aloneness becomes rich solitude to be savored like fine wine. You don’t have to conform to another’s expectations or needs. And there’s that wonderful connection with other women that’s always there waiting for you.
One of my mother’s friends once said to me after my miserable divorce: “You’d better get married again right away. If you wait too long you won’t want a man.” My advice? Don’t try to fit into a mold if it suppresses you, distresses you or diminishes you. Just grow and blossom and be your own “Knight in Shining Armour.” It’s a GOOD life!
Sandy, thank you so much for reading and commenting on this post. It is wonderful to hear your perspective after living such a long, full life as a single woman (and mother)! I especially enjoyed your personal anecdote at the end. Thanks again for sharing!
“Any one of those women in the film, or my girlfriends, or myself could be married right now if we wanted to be. All of us have made decisions, whether it be by choosing education or career over certain relationships or not settling for ones that were not completely satisfying, that have led to us being single.”
I think you would be hard pressed to find someone that could honestly describe their relationship as completely satisfying. A wise man once told us that love is a choice. It is not a feeling. It is a decision to keep loving the person that you are with. I think that many people think that they will fall in love with Mr. Right, Prince Charming, Captain Perfect [alright, I made that last one up], and everything will be happy ever after. This is not true. People have differences, and it takes effort to work through those differences, and keep loving the person despite their faults. If more people realized this, and prepared for the hard times by constantly investing in their marriage, divorce rates would plummet. It seems common in marriages to give up, turn and run, as it were. I think women can have wonderful careers with or without men, but I don’t know that I would encourage someone to remain single. There is something in the companionship of another that far outweighs the freedom of being alone. If I read this 10 years ago, I would probably totally disagree with what I am writing now, but after being married for 5 years, I cannot imagine my life being better if I were single. Just my $0.02…
Keep the posts coming… they always make for good discussions.
Thank you for reading and commenting! You raise great points and I appreciate your anecdote about the joys of being married versus being single. The one thing I will comment on is you are right when you say that the companionship of another far outweighs the freedom of being alone. We are absolutely creatures who NEED community and family, even for those of us who are married to Captain Perfect.
One person could not begin to meet all the complex needs of our human existence.
Emily – I can’t believe I didn’t read this post earlier. Let me just say that being 31 and having been single for most of those 31 years has been a choice but not always one that has made me ultimately happy. Like you said companionship is what us social human animals need. I’ve often asked myself “do I want to be married because I want to be” or “because I’ve seen it a million times on TV but more potently in the lives of my friends”?
There is a comment I have received on multiple occasions that I can’t decide is a compliment, a judgement, or a back-handed compliment. It comes in two versions: “Why are you single?” and “I can’t believe you’re single.” Why it’s nice that people think I should be taken I’ve often thought it a bit rude to ask why someone is single. I’ve felt I had to give some textbook answer “I’m waiting for the right guy”, “it just hasn’t happened yet”, etc. When the honest answer I don’t know. Sure, a meaningful relationship would be great but I don’t want a relationship just to bide my time.
To reference one of the greatest most vapid shows about women in the past 10 years, Sex and The City, one of the characters mentions that it is for others benefit, maintaining the status quo and keeping everyone feeling “comfortable” that we can’t show up to parties alone. Well I’ve gone to parties single and with someone and left single and with someone and ultimately I am still me…
Maybe not so insightful comments but I wanted to say thanks for this close-to-home topic
[...] I recently read an amazing blog from Tales of the Hood that I would like to recommend to you for your reading pleasure. This post hit home for me after some heated responses (both pro and con) that ensued around one of my previous posts entitled “Redefining the Fairytale.” [...]
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 , Genesis 2-18- thoughts to ponder.
Love, Dad
Let me please say something that not enough men are willing to say out loud and that women deny over and over again in their own minds.
We men can fall in love with a woman and spend the rest of our lives with her and be faithful to her. There is a “but” to this: we find the vast majority of you exponentially less attractive at 35 than at 25 if we are not already in a committed relationship with you. There are exceptions, but they are few and far between.
The reasons are biological and track a female fertility chart. By waiting until you are 35 and spending your most fertile years doing whatever (and whomever) you lower your chances of finding a man you would want to settle down with — even if you freeze your eggs or get lucky and deliver a healthy baby or babies.
I hope the moderator does not screen this out just because it does not feel good.
Thank you for taking the time to read the post and for commenting. All comments are welcome, whether or not they “feel good.” However, your contribution was not significant or relevant enough to arouse much of a reaction.